SO YOU WANNA BE A ROCK n’ ROLL STAR

 The Byrds

GIST
Roger McGuinn and friends cast a cynical eye over the music industry.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Great opening guitar hook, super harmonies, and ‘screaming girls’ in the middle-eight.

BEST LINE
“And when your hair’s combed right – and your pants too tight – you’re gonna be alright!”

IT’S NICE TO BE OUT IN THE MORNING

 Herman’s Hermits

GIST
KIU friend Peter Noone tells us why he loves Manchester!

WHY IT’S GOOD
Penned by Graham Gouldman, this is a great mid-sixties pop song with lots of minor chords and a great string arrangement.

BEST LINE
“But a town is people more than things – It’s of mums and dads and kids and love that give it life!”

RUSHOLM RUFFIANS

 The Smiths

GIST
Mozza whines about the conduct of his former prep-school teachers.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Object value: There are few pop songs which discuss the detrimental effects of caning on adolescent boys.

BEST LINE
“Please excuse me from gym – I’ve got a terrible cold coming on.”

WELL RESPECTED MAN

 The Kinks

GIST
Sarcastic look at the English Middle classes.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Cuz it’s The Kinks.

BEST LINE
“And his own sweat smells the best.”

RIDE A WHITE SWAN

 T-Rex

GIST
Dunno. Something about riding white swans.

 (NOTE: ‘Could be about bestiality, in which case it is, indeed, a love-song, and therefore a tenuous inclusion.)

WHY IT’S GOOD
Lovely melody and excellent bongo work from Micky Finn.

BEST LINE
“Wear a tall hat like a druid in the old days – wear a tall hat and a tattered gown.”

(NOTE: We don’t recommend that you actually DO this; people will laugh at you and assume you come from Bath.)

THEME TUNE to THE DOUBLE DECKERS

 Cast of Double Deckers

GIST
Early ‘70s telly teens invite us to join them on a ‘double decker London bus’ for endless laughter.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Groovy stuff!

BEST LINE
‘They’ll be laughter – forever after – on a double decker London bus!’

THE TIMES, THEY ARE a’ CHANGIN’

 Bob Dylan

GIST
Beatnik Bob warns old fogies of hipster onslaught.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Time Capsule Value.

BEST LINE
“We’ll rattle your windows and break down your walls!”

(NOTE: The rattling of windows was hardly a terrifying prospect to early ‘60s military-style dads, Mr Zimmerman making rather a fool of himself in this instance.)

GET OFF OF MY CLOUD

 The Rolling Stones

GIST
Mick tells everyone to piss off.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Attitude!

BEST LINE
“Don’t hang around cuz two’s a crowd on MY cloud, baby!”

CONTACT IN RED SQUARE

 Blondie

GIST
Debbie Harry pretends to be a KGB hitman.

WHY IT’S GOOD
It’s not, really – I’m just going through a bit of a Blondie phase.

BEST LINE
“Got a microfilm in the lining of my shoe!”

WHITE RABBIT

 The Jefferson Airplane

GIST
Grace Slick and Co on some kind of scary acid trip where they see the world a la Lewis Carol.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Arguably pop’s most sinister intro.

BEST LINE
“Go ask Alice…And she was just small.” (Ey?)

DOWNTOWN

 Petula Clark

GIST
Pet tells us not to sit at home moping but to get our asses downtown to have a good time, see a movie, hear a band, ‘chill’, etc…

WHY IT’S GOOD
Tony Hatch’s thumping piano intro, and the soaring horns in middle-eight.

BEST LINE
“Listen to the music of the traffic in the city – Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty – How can you lose?”

(NOTE: Song not applicable to Bath after 10 p.m)

ROBERT MONTGOMERY

 Love

GIST
Young poshy gets drafted and daddy can’t help.

WHY IT’S GOOD
‘Nam.

BEST LINE
“So come up from nowhere wherever you are – and freak with all the rest – and I give you my best – if you give yours for me.”

THEME TO THE MONKEES

 The Monkees

GIST
Monkees tell us that they’re The Monkees, reassuring us that although their detractors claim that they ‘monkey around’, they’re actually too occupied with singing to ‘put anybody down’.

WHY IT’S GOOD
‘Nam. (In a roundabout way.)

BEST LINE
The bit where they tell us that they’re ‘just tryin’ to be friendly’.  How cute is that?!  They’re just trying to be friendly – they’re not trying to scare us!

MID-ARTICLE ALERT! MID-ARTICLE ALERT!
‘Have realised that this is basically just turning into a list of songs I quite like.  However, as none of them are ‘love songs’, I feel I am still operating within the designated rubric discussed at onset of article, and so I shall continue (esp. as I’m enjoying myself.)

HARPER VALLEY P.T.A

 Dolly Parton

GIST
Slag mother is called in by the Harper Valley Parent-Teacher Association, where her sluttish conduct is brought to book.

WHY IT’S GOOD
(See above.)

BEST LINE
(Can’t really remember any actual lines from this song, but it’s not about love, and that’s all that counts here.)

BALLROOM BLITZ

 Sweet

GIST
Crazed glam-rock anthem about the sort of party where ugly boys wear make-up and platform heels.

WHY IT’S GOOD
The ‘chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug’ bass line after they shout ‘Ballroom Blitz’. (You know the bit I mean, right?)

BEST LINE
Intro! “Are you ready Steve? – Yeah.  Andy? Okay.  Mick? Uh-ha.  Well alright, fellas….Let’s GO!!!!!”

GYPSIES, TRAMPS and THEIVES

 Cher

GIST
Cher discusses growing up with carnies (and slags) for parents.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Cher’s vocals are second-to-none. 

BEST LINE
“And every night the men would come around – and lay my mama down.” (NOTE: ‘Mama’ also called in to see Harper Valley P.T.A)

CARS

 Gary Numan

GIST
80s Numan forewarns of automotive dependency.

WHY IT’S GOOD
It’s not; it’s just about cars, really.

BEST LINE
“In ca-rs.” (Not only is that the best line, but the only line anyone can remember from this song.)

HANGIN’ AROUND

 The Stranglers

GIST
Stranglers paint worrying picture of characters encountered whilst ‘hangin’ around’ (probably in  pub at Elephant and Castle.)

WHY IT’S GOOD
I’m not sure, really – I just like it.

BEST LINE
“Big girl in the red dress – she’s just tryin’ to impress us – and she’s got the Bali fever – but she doesn’t make a sound, she’s just….Hangin’ Around!”

IN THE GHETTO

 Elvis Presley

GIST
Socially-aware Elvis laments fate of inner-city welfare children.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Lovely melody and excellent phrasing by King in ‘thoughtful’ mode.

BEST LINE
“He buys a gun – He steals a car – He tries to run – But he don’t get far…” (D.O.A)

CRAZY HORSES

 The Osmonds

GIST
I have absolutely no idea.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Mormons go mental with electric guitars.

BEST LINE
Not so much a ‘line’, but that bit after they sing ‘Crazy Horses’ when it goes; ‘Breeeeaaaaay, Breeeeeeeaaay!’.

THE IN CROWD

 Roxy Music (but someone else before – can’t remember who.)

GIST
Bryan Ferry showing off that his mates are better than ours, which – considering he’s Bryan Ferry – is probably true.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Sophisticated arrogance with fringe falling in eyes.

BEST LINE
“At a spot where the beat’s really hot – if it’s square, we ain’t there!”

FERRY CROSS THE MERSEY

 Gerry and the Pacemakers

GIST
60s Scousers try hard to convince us that Liverpool is okay.

WHY IT’S GOOD
A truly lovely, melancholic song. (‘Dead good, that, lar…’)

BEST LINE
“People around every corner – They seem to smile and say – We don’t care what your name is, boy – We’ll never turn you away.”
(NOTE: This isn’t actually true, but it’s a nice piece of fiction, anyway.)

GLADIATOR – SOUNDTRACK L.P.

 Dunno.

GIST
Soundtrack L.P to epic Crowe movie.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Reminds you of ‘Gladiator’.

BEST LINE
(From film: ‘At my signal – Unleash Hell!)

PAPERBACK WRITER

 The Beatles

Bath-Spa-University-M.A-in-Creative-Writing-inspired song about an unknown author who wants to get published.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Great intro/excellent bass/good vocals/subject matter close to my heart.

BEST LINE
“It’s a dirty story of a dirty man and his clinging wife doesn’t understand.”

LIFE ON MARS

 David Bowie

GIST
Um…..

WHY IT’S GOOD
It’s just really, really good – and it doesn’t seem to be about love.

BEST LINE
“Sailors fighting in the dance hall – oh man, look at those cavemen go!”

ANTMUSIC

 Adam and the Ants

GIST
Adam Ant warns us of the perils of listening to any music other than Adam and the Ants.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Daft, fun pop with cookin’ rhythm section.

BEST LINE
“So unplug the jukebox and do us all a favour – That music’s lost it’s taste so try another flavour…”

LOOKING THROUGH GARY GILMORE’S EYES

 The Adverts

GIST
Song about how famous death-row resident Gary Gilmore left his eyes to charity after firing squad incident.

WHY IT’S GOOD
No song could be further removed from love/romance/boy-meets-girl than ‘Looking Through Gary Gilmore’s Eyes.’

BEST LINE
“Gary don’t need his eyes no more! Gary don’t need his eyes to see! Gary and his eyes have parted com-pa-neeeeeeee”

LIVE AND LET DIE

 Paul McCartney and Wings

GIST
Bond theme finds Paul telling us that when he was young, his heart was an open book – he used to say ‘live and let live’ (you know he did, you know he did, you know he did…)

WHY IT’S GOOD
Surely I don’t have to tell you why ‘Live and Let Die’ is good!

BEST LINE
“What does it matter to you – When you’ve got a job to do, you’ve gotta do it well – You gotta give the other fella…H-E-E-L-L-L!”

Y.M.C.A

 The Village People

WARNING: This is only non-romantic if you’re heterosexual. 

GIST
Thinly veiled invite to mid-70s bath-house style male orgy.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Impossible not to dance to, Y.M.C.A will answer all your disco cravings.

BEST LINE
The one about going to the canteen.

IN THE NAVY

 The Village People

GIST
Thinly veiled invite to mid-70s bath-house style male orgy.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Not quite as good as Y.M.C.A, but still up there.

BEST LINE
The one about how you can ‘learn marine biology.’ 

ANYTHING BY PINK FLOYD

 Pink Floyd

GIST
I don’t think Pink Floyd were into romance.

WHY THIS IS GOOD

Whilst I am not a fan of Pink Floyd, I sense that Dark Side of the Moon might make very good Valentine’s Day listening for those not romantically inclined.

BEST LINE
Any. To my knowledge, Pink Floyd lyrics are not about girls/love/normal stuff.

BORN FREE

 Dunno. (Can’t remember.)

GIST
Theme song to pre-Apartheid movie about a lion who lives with some English people.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Reminds us that the love of a good kitten is all that really counts.

BEST BIT
The bit where the lion gets to roam free again. (Film Version Only.)

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

 Queen

GIST
Eastern European type has just killed a man (probably in squabble over Levi’s) and sorely regrets it – both mentally and physically; evidently, his slaying has made his body ache.  His mother understands that he’s simply a victim of society (and that he’s really, really sorry), but when the case is taken to court, the unenlightened judges think differently. His defence council try to convince the judges that his crime resulted from economic hardship (‘He’s just a poor boy from a poor family’), but the judges don’t buy it; they condemn him to death.  Whilst on death row, he freaks out and seriously contemplates escape (‘Just gotta get out – just gotta get right out of here’.)  Sadly, Eastern Euro prison blocks are escape-proof, and the boy eventually resigns himself to his fate. But what of his poor mum?  He tries to buck up her spirits by telling her to ‘carry on, carry on’, and as he’s about to face the gallows (or indeed, firing squad, a la Gary Gilmore), he converts to Existentialism and decides that ‘nothing really matters - nothing really matters at all.’  We leave him on the eve of his death, alone in his cell, the epic drama of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ leaving us emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

WHY IT’S GOOD
Reminds me of Christmas 1974.

BEST LINE
“Beelzebub! Has the devil put aside for me, for me, for MEEEEEE!”

Hope all this has sorted out your non-romantic Valentine play-list.  And remember; if anyone tries to fool you into thinking ‘I’m Not in Love’ by 10cc is about NOT being in  love…don’t fall for it! (It SO is!)