According to Amanda (Sex Kitten) Hallay
In keeping with my anti-love theme, I present to you my personal list of Top SEXY Songs of All Time. You know how people say that love and sex shouldn’t be separated? They’re wrong. Sex and Love have absolutely nothing to do with each other (thank God), and a love song is very rarely sexy. Happily, sexy songs always are. Here are my favourites – and you might be surprised; you won’t find Barry White or Tom Jones on my list. The following songs are truly sexy – at least, I think they are – and I highly recommend them for those interesting nights in. All you need is a C.D player, a condom, and a tub of Flora. Enjoy!
(Note: You also need someone to shag.)
“LADYBIRD”
Nancy Sinatra and Lee HazelwoodGist: Odd duet finds girlie Nancy Sinatra and deep-voiced, Southern twanged Lee Hazelwood flirting outrageously.
Why It’s Sexy: Sultry rhythm, boozy orchestration, obvious sexual attraction between the two protagonists.
Best Line: “Lightening flashed across the sky the night he taught me how to fly…”
“YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD”
The ZombiesGist: Colin Blunstone tells chick that she has to shag him because it makes him ‘feel good’.
(Fair enough.)
Why It’s Sexy: The back-beat! This song has the best back-beat in the history of Sixties pop. It also has a brilliantly twanging guitar and sexually thumping organ.
Best Line: “So good, so good, I don’t have to justify why.”
(Cheeky sod.)
“VENUS IN FURS”
The Velvet UndergroundGist: Nothing ambiguous about all this; Lou Reed tells tales of sado-masochism, including how he gets his Nico/Edie style girlfriend to dress up in various fetish outfits whilst they do unimaginable acts upon each other’s person (inc. kissing boots of shiny, shiny leather.)
Why It’s Sexy: See above.
Best Line: “Severin’, severin’, down on your bended knees - Taste the whip in love not given lightly - Taste the whip, now plead for me!”
(Ouff! That’s a bit ‘blue’, isn’t it!)
“MUSEUM”
Herman’s HermitsGist: Now that you’ve over the shock of Herman’s Hermits being on the list at all, let me further enlighten you! In this Donovan penned song, KIU friend Peter Noone tries to recall if the girl he’s just shagged has asked to meet up with him later at the Natural History Museum. (It’s a very strange song, but unbelievably sexy.)
Why It’s Sexy: Again, it’s the rhythm. Pure ‘fuck-me’.
Best Line: “Meet me under the whale at the natural history museum – I think that’s what she said – a little bit sad at having to leave me.”
“THE COLDEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR”
Twice as Much with VashtiGist: This spit-roast inspired number by KIU friend Andrew Loog Oldham finds Twice as Much (two boys) begging Vashti (sexy girl) to let them kip over. They reckon it’s too cold for them to go home. Vashti knows they’re talking shite – but gives in in the end.
Why It’s Sexy: It’s about a spit-roast, for Christ’s sake!
Best Line: “Baby, baby I know if you wanted to, you’d brave the snow” – “But I haven’t been well, I might catch the flu, or a cold in my nose…”
“GOLDEN BROWN”
The StranglersGist: Song about heroine (which ISN’T sexy). It’s the music that that makes it in this case.
Why It’s Sexy: The music. Dave Greenfield’s amazing organ rift is legendary - and very, very sexy. So is Hugh Cornwell’s voice. (But the less said about me and Hugh Cornwell the better.)
Best Line: “Throughout the night – No need to fight – Never a frown – With Golden Brown.”
“BABY, OH NO”
Bow Wow WowGist: Anabella tells us why she likes her boyfriend. (Cuz he’s a good shag, basically. Probably also likes him cuz he’s got a Mowhak or something, although she does not specify.)
Why It’s Sexy: Duane Eddy-style guitar over crazed, jungle rhythms. ‘Nuff said, I think.
Best Line: “He’s so mean – He’s a rhythm machine – He can move it fast or slow.”
“SUNSHINE SUPERMAN”
DonovanGist: Donovan isn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer in his head-on seduction of hippy chick.
Why It’s Sexy: Psychedelic pop with woozy rhythm section always turns me on.
Best Line: “Cuz I’ve made my mind up you’re going to be mine!” (I love boys like this.)
“RAW RAMP”
T-RexGist: Marc Bolan tells lady-friend that she’s just a slag, basically – but that he loves her – not in spite of it – but because of it.
Why It’s Sexy: Micky Finn’s bongo work is second to none, bringing out as it does our more basic of instincts.
Best Line: “Woman, you think you’re a vamp – but girl, you aint’ nothing but a raw ramp”
(NOTE: Anyone know what a ‘raw ramp’ is?)
“THEY TALK ABOUT US”
Cindy Williams
(Note: To date, I am the only person I know who has ever heard this song – apart from Caitlyn, ‘cause I played it to her.)
Gist: Totally unknown mid-Sixties girl singer is contemptuous of gossiping neighbours who are disgusted at her shagging. (Remember, we’re talking mid-Sixties.)
Why It’s Sexy: Crossroad’s style organ and Cornonation Street inspired horns echo boring, asexual lives of neighbours, whilst sexy back-beat and sultry hint at what’s really going on behind net curtains.
Best Line: “Their day is over, they can’t see – And so today they disagree – They’ve nothing left but cups of tea – So they talk about us, talk about us, talk about us…”
“SEXY BOY”
AirGist: Trendy French boys tell us about a sexy boy (a cartoon gorilla in the vid’.)
Why It’s Sexy: Gently throbbing techno beat and wispy French singing. All very baffling – but all rather sexy.
Best Line: (All of it’s in French, and I can’t be bothered checking spelling, accents, etc.)
“THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES (IS DEADLIER THAN THE MALE)”
The Walker BrothersGist: Sexy Scott Walker on misogynist tirade. He reckons us chicks are no good; liars, con- artists, loveless bitches who will rip a man’s heart out an eat it for breakfast. Whilst this is true for KIU’s Caitlyn and Amanda, it’s a bit tight on normal girls.
Why It’s Sexy: Anything Scott Walker does is sexy, and to find him in angry, ‘telling us off’ mode is particularly arousing.
Best Line: “She’ll whisper oh, such pretty lies – DON’T believe her.”
“L’ANAMOUR”
Serge GainsbourgGist: The unbelievably sexy Serge tells some ‘nana’ that yeah, he’s into her, but knows she’s a bit of a slag who’ll just bring him down – like all chicks do. (NOTE: May have been talking to Scott Walker.)
Why It’s Sexy: If a melody can be sexy, then this one truly is. How can I use words to describe sound? It’s not easy – so just listen to it.
Best Line: (Spirit Translated): “I love you, but I’m scared you’ll lead me astray – So I guess I’ll just carry on sowing poppy seeds on the pavements of love.”
(NOTE: This sounds better in French. Honestly.)
“YOU SHOW ME”
The Byrds (and The Turtles, and The Lightnin’ Seeds.)Gist: Byrds thank girl for showing them how to do it right. (They were probably sticking in her ear before.)
Why It’s Sexy: The weird, minor-chords and smoochy, woozy melody line.
Best Line: “And when I tried it I could see you fall – And I decided – It’s not a trip at all.”
“MUSIC TO WATCH GIRLS BY”
Andy WilliamsGist: Girls watching boys watching girls watching boys who watch the girls go by.
Why It’s Sexy: Easy-listening classic evokes images of jet-set hotel rooms with shag-pile carpeting and scenic elevators (See: Inferno, Towering) with suave types drinking High-Balls as they pull birds with piled up hair and frosted lipstick. Can it get more sexy?
Best Line: “They solemnly convene to make the scene.”
Anyway, I hope this play-list has put you in the mood for luuuurve. (And if you any suggestions for other play-lists, send ‘em in. I really like doing this shit.) On that note, I have only one thing left to say:
(Oh yes, yes, YESSSSSSSS!)
