(Brian Boat’s periodic look at the life of…well…a graduate loser. This week, Brian introduces us to his fellow graduate losers (plus deejay) at his place of work.)

Part 1

Thai Joe is off Thailand; DJ Scandalous is not off London but wishes that he was; Posh Dan looks like a beat poet in his polo neck jumper and used to be off London but has moved back in with his Mum; I am off Cheddar, although I dream of greater things; Jerry, the boss, is off somewhere local, but via the solicitor as his wife Debbie, mother to his two kids and of ginger hair, has left him for another. While the rest of the world sleeps, drinks, fights, copulates, cries and watches News 24, we prostitute our brains for money doing sums for Lloyds Bank. Over-qualified (bar DJ Scandalous), under-paid,  we listen to The Velvet Underground, grapple with Microsoft Excel, and negotiate the post-university vortex of our lost souls.

Thai Joe (thick Thai accent; minimal grasp of English, even though he claims it is his best language – can the other four that he speaks really be executed with similar inaccuracy? As if so, does this mean he is without any real language whatsoever?): Shazzam, muthafucker! It’s all abou’ the magic!

Lou Reed: Heroin, isn’t it great, shooting through my veins, New York rocks, California is shit.

DJ Scandalous (accent an earthy Bethnal Green; never travelled east of Swindon): And I says to this bird, right, who is properly fit, I mean she is fucking gorgeous, pilled out of her head most of the time right, but still, I says to her…..

Thai Joe Shamoan!! My name is Michael Jackass.

Posh Dan (reading The Sun, fingering the neck of his jumper): Gun to your head, yah, would you rather shag the fat bird off You’ve Been Framed, or have John Lydon suck you off.

Lou Reed: Even when she was giving head, what a perfect day, why am I still alive?

Thai Joe Fat girl man. Erry time.

Me Fat bird.

Jerry Do you know it’s John Lydon, or is it just a mouth? I mean, can you actually see him doing it? Because if there was like a screen or something, or just a hole that you stick your cock in like they have in gay clubs….

Thai Joe What eighty-six thousand-four-hun’red take away seven-thousand-nineteen?

DJ Scandalous Fuck knows.

Me Have you seen the state of John Lydon’s teeth?

DJ Scandalous Progressive House anybody?

Posh Dan Who?

Thai Joe Touch the CD, man, I kick you ass. You know what? I no going to drink this coffee. I need to purify mysel’, man. That stripper, I think she poison me. From now on I no touch any woman except future wife.

Me Why do they call it progressive? I mean, musically, how does it constitute progress? If you said to Beethoven: listen, in however many hundred years time this is what it’s all going to be reduced to, do you really think he’d have bothered?

Niko: I am fucking crazy, I’m dying of an overdose, my singing voice is flawed yet strangely attractive…

Posh Dan Was Beethoven Swedish?

Me No.

Thai Joe Whoa, I know Swedish girl once. Shamoan. She say to me Joe, you quite cute, and I look at her and she had good body, although her ass a bit big, and I think baby I like to fuck you real hard and cum right in your eye….

DJ Scandalous Who’s Beethoven?

Jerry Isn’t he the one who was blind?

Thai Joe Yeah, somebody cum in his eye.

Me Deaf.

Jerry How the fuck can he be deaf? What’s the point?

DJ Scandalous Is he the crazy dude who cut off his ear then shagged his girlfriend with it?

Thai Joe With his ear! Shazzam. It’s all about the ear. Whoa I wonder what Swedish girl say if I say to her, baby, can I…..

Posh Dan You know it’s John Lydon. You have to look him right in the eye while he takes your cock in his mouth.

DJ Scandalous It's to do with the number of beats per minute. Some of the shit we play, it’s going absolutely mental, it’s going off.

Jerry Then the fat bird, obviously. I’m not gay, I was just trying to clarify the situation. Because if you don’t know it’s a man who’s sucking you off, that can’t be gay, can it?

Me Why not?

Jerry Because unless he had a beard or something, you’d never know any different. Imagine, right, there’s a big piece of wood…

Posh Dan How big?

Jerry I don’t know. That doesn’t matter….

Me Are you seriously saying that you wouldn’t know it was a bloke if John Lydon was hiding behind a piece of wood and sucking your cock?

Thai Joe Seventy-nine-thousand-three-hundred-and-eighty-one. Shamoan! What’s the time man?

Me Ten to five.

Thai Joe Shazzam.

Posh Dan I’m sorry, but I think that is a bit gay.

Jerry Why? It’s like those lady boys, isn’t it?

Thai Joe Whoa, ladyboy man.

DJ Scandalous Can I teef a fag off anybody?

Me No.

Posh Dan Fuck off.

Thai Joe I throw all mine away. I told you man. I no pollute my body any more. No more strippers.

Jerry I’m going for a kip. Someone kick me at six o’clock or if there’s a fire, whichever comes first.

Thai Joe Shazzam.