by Leonard McGinty
Thinking up a name for your band is one of the hardest and most irritating problems facing any musician. In fact, it is such an arduous and boring task that I am planning to start a campaign whereby bands register with the government minister for band names, and are assigned a number just to make life easier. OK, it’s not very rock and roll, but it will save time that many shit bands could use to actually write some decent material.
Anyway, when you do choose finally choose a name (which can take up to 6 months in my experience) you are likely to run into idiots who don’t like it. Worse than this, said buffoons will normally have a crap reason for disliking your name, the worst of which is that it begins with ‘The’. “Oh, you’re not a ‘The’ band are you?” says idiot A, to which musician B replies “Fuck off and die” before twating them over the head with a guitar.
For everyone who has ever had to deal with such boundless stupidity (and just for fun for everyone else) here is the definitive A to Z list of bands beginning with ‘The’. If you disagree with any of my choices, piss off and get your own column.
A: The Animals House of the rising sun? Classic.
B: The Beatles Because they invented pop, and they’re scousers.
C: The Clash Joe Strummer RIP.
D: The Doors Please don’t get back together. Please….
E: The Eagles ‘Take It Easy’ has some truly brilliant opening lyrics, and their greatest hits is the biggest selling album ever. Like it or not.
F: The Flaming Lips If you haven’t heard of them then pop out and buy ‘Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots’, shoot up some smack, and trip out.
G: The Grateful Dead The Dead’s took loads of drugs and jammed. And got famous. And then died one by one. Capitalist hippies, or LSD martyrs, you decide.
H: The Hollies Good name, better songs. Particularly ‘Air That I Breathe’ which is amazing.
I: The Inkspots Cheesy 50’s close harmonies may not be cool nowadays, but where do you think Brian Wilson got the Beach Boys sound from?
J: The Jackson Five Some little kid and his geeky brothers? No-one’s gonna buy that. Get out of my office!
K: The Kinks Ray Davies could have been the world’s greatest songwriter if he’d been less into concept albums and being narky.
L: The La’s Scousers. Geniuses. Under-achievers.
M: The Mama’s and Papa’s California Dreaming. Another classic.
N: The New Radicals: Gregg Alexander basically. He wrote ‘Get What You Give’ a few years back, and put out the ‘Maybe You’ve Been Brainwashed Too’ LP.
O: The Onset More scousers lead by former La, Mike Badger. Never actually put out any records, but I wish they had cause Mike’s a boss songwriter and a top guy.
P: The Police Bizarre white reggae popsters who had the good sense to split, just as they achieved ‘Biggest Band In The World’ status. Good move.
Q: The Quo Alright, I cheated on this one, but the only Q band I could think of was The Quireboys, and they were terrible so they ain’t going on my list. Next!
R: The Real Thing More scousers, but this time with soul. Put out ‘You To Me Are Everything’ and hit the big time. Plus the singer Paul used to live down the road from me in Huyton.
S: The Scales Best band ever.
T: The Teardrop Explodes Julian Copes band, before he went mad. Reward is timeless, and some of Copes solo stuff ain’t bad either. Oh yeah, from Liverpool
U: The Undertones Weird voice, weird face, good songs. Fergal Sharkey and co gave us the unforgettable Teenage Kicks. Cheers!
V: The Velvet Underground More for when you’re off your head on heroin. Just brilliant.
W: The Wurzels They’ve got a brand new combine harvester, but will they lend you the key?
X: Oh fuck.
Y: The Yardbirds Training ground for Eric Clapton AND Jimmy Page. Nuff said.
Z: The Zombies Wrote ‘She’s Not There’ in the 60’s, and are still going strong.
