Amanda (‘I Love Oliver!’) Hallay
Which two little boys represent Christmas better than cheery Oliver Twist and his arch-nemesis, Tiny Tim? By use of primary and secondary source evidence, I hope to finally put this Dickensian rivalry to rest, proving beyond any reasonable doubt that Oliver ROCKS HARD (and that Tiny Tim’s just an anaemic little tosser.)
WARNING: Contains strong, non-seasonal sentiments.
- drawn from ‘Oliver!’ and various television adaptations of ‘A Christmas Carol’.
| OLIVER: | Can Walk. |
| TINY TIM: | Nuff said. |
| OLIVER: | Hitch-hikes all the way to London in the snow with nothing but sack-cloth wrapped around his feet. |
| TINY TIM: | Gets carried everywhere on his father's shoulders. |
| OLIVER: | High Achiever: Wants to 'make his fortune!' |
| TINY TIM: | Low Achiever: ‘Just wants a goose. |
| OLIVER: | Total orphan – but doesn’t milk it. |
| TINY TIM: | Two loving parents whom he manipulates in a manner which can only be described as cruel. |
| OLIVER: | Brave! Gets dangled from a roof-top by Oliver Reed and never complains. |
| TINY TIM: | Born whinger: 'Why can't I walk?' 'Why don't we have any presents?' 'Why don't we have a goose'? |
| OLIVER: | Healthy in mind and body. |
| TINY TIM: | Suffering from some kind of psychosomatic mental illness. As soon as the cash starts rolling in, the kid can suddenly WALK again. |
| OLIVER: | Hard working as singer, dancer, workhouse boy, pickpocket, undertaker’s assistant and errand-runner for Mr Brownlow. |
| TINY TIM: | Work-shy; does fuck-all. |
| OLIVER: | Beloved by generations. |
| TINY TIM: | Tolerated by the Cratchits, but only 'cause they're too afraid of 'the beak' to kill him. |
| OLIVER: | Has high self-esteem. |
| TINY TIM: | Doesn’t seem to mind having a nick-name which refers to his penis size. |
| OLIVER: | Deep: asks ‘Where is Love?’ |
| TINY TIM: | Shallow: asks ‘Where are geese?’ |
| OLIVER: | Is not afraid of Bill Sykes, known East End thug and occasional murderer. |
| TINY TIM: | Is terrified of Scrooge, an old man! |
| OLIVER: | Is actually from an aristocratic background. |
| TINY TIM: | Low-income scum. |
| OLIVER: | Too young for sex – and even if he was ‘of age’, he’d be far too busy with all of his marvellous adventures to bother with such sordid business. |
| TINY TIM: | Straddles his father’s neck because it ‘feels good’. |
At the end of the day, Tiny Tim (devil child) is a relatively well-fed, well-housed little boy with a loving family and a long, dangling scarf. Oliver has “not a farthing! ”, and yet….and yet….
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| Oliver, begging for more. | Tim, boozing it up. |
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| Oliver, holding his own against East End villains. | Tim, holding a crutch against his armpit. |
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| Happy Ending. After being kidnapped, witnessing the brutal slaying of his beloved Nancy, used as a human sheild by Bill Sykes and dangled from a rooftop, Oliver miraculously survives his near-death experience. |
Happy Ending. Tim gets his goose. |
- drawn from people at Kittens in Underpants and various mates.
“Tiny Tim put the cause for Disability Rights behind a hundred years. Because of his high profile, Tiny Tim's simpering ways, clinginess and greedy nature were therefore associated with all disabled citizens. This is shockingly unfair. The majority of disabled people are independent and generous. Unfortunately, the public's attitudes and governments' legislation have been influenced by Tiny Tim's laziness. We are only just beginning to remove our vision of disability from the dark stigma of Tiny Tim.”
Caitlyn Hallman, K.I.U.
“He’s an idiot.”
Neil, from Stockport
“I suppose he’s a bit of a creep.”
Richard Frances, Author.
“As a fashion expert, I can only comment on the two little gents’ attire. I feel that Oliver has much more potential as a fashionista since he predated John Galliano's "street rags" look by many, many fashion seasons. And his physique, so undernourished (wanting "more" all the time, but never getting it - just like a true supermodel!), all skin and bones and ribcage...that's just the shape of the hottest male catwalk cats. And then, when he came into the bucks, Oliver had the wherewithal to undergo a complete make-over. Gucci! Dior! Versace! Whattaboy!
Tiny Tim was just too, too mainstream. I'm sure the Cratchits shopped at discount stores and outlet malls, minding their ha'pennies. Dressing for warmth isn't a fashion statement!”
David Wolfe, Fashion Expert.
“I always wanted to slap him in the face with a fish when I was growing up – and I was a placid child.”
Aengus Kelly, KIU staff writer (and dentist.)
"Always let people imagine you know more than you actually do."
Ben Morton, Author, Cheddar.
(This doesn't actually have anything to do with Tiny Tim; it's just a really good quote.)
“I can’t remember anything about this person.”
The Webmaster, K.I.U.
“He’s shit.”
Amanda Hallay (author of this article.)
And for the ultimate last word on the heinous nature of Tiny Tim, let us go consult…
The Master…
“Tiny Tim was a pathetic character, was he not? I think we should rewrite the book so that Scrooge gets Tiny Tim hooked on crack cocaine and turns him into a deviant as in “Train Spotting”. Is that too weird? Would make a boring story more fun though!”
MARK LESTER!
I think that says it all, really! (And this is coming from the quintessential ‘Oliver’, alright?!)
In conclusion, I believe that I have successful demonstrated the superior character of Oliver versus the hideously creepy Tiny Tim. Oliver can ‘Consider Himself One of Us’ (and God DAMN Tiny Tim!)
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 (You deserve it, Master Twist!) |
 (Boo-hoo.) |
Check out our Exclusive KIU Interview with our idol, Mark Lester.
