I haven't seen the Hamzters for several weeks. Not having to wash their dirty little spacesuits, I didn't miss them at all. Eventually worry began to gnaw. They could be plotting something, like the extermination of the human race.

So I went to the new country place they bought, Exterminator Park. The main house was empty of Hamzters. A pile of dirty space suits reeked in the laundry room.

A note told me they were hiding in the bunker.

I skirted a field freshly planted with mines. On the edge of the property stood a walled compound. A sign at the gate read: Sadam's Kibbutz.  Next to it, another sign said: Amerikanz kip outz. I looked in the yard and found a spider hole, which led to a bunker below.

Dressed in tuxedos, the Hamzters inside danced the Humbug Boogie, and smoked Cuban cigars. The dancing stopped abruptly as I entered.

"What are you idiots doing?" I asked.

Chief Hamzter said, "Relax, have a murderita cocktail." He handed me a two liter bucket.

Fashionable Hamzter, wearing a smoking jacket over his tux, approached sipping absinthe. "How do you like our new hideout?"

"Why are you hiding?"

"It's the latest fashion."

"Umm." I took a sip of murderita, and spat fire.

Chief Hamzter ducked, then assumed a dignified pose while slapping singed fur on top of his head. "Actually, we're hiding from Santa."

"Why is that?"

"Because he is going to bomb us."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because we called him a gay old man."

"I'm sure he understands proper English and wouldn't take offence. After all, the word means happy."

Fashionable Hamzter looked at his upturned, pointed Baghdad slippers. "It's more complicated than that." He pointed at Questionable Hamzter. "It's all his fault."

I motioned for Questionable Hamzter to come closer. "What did you do?"

Questionable Hamzter wiggled inside his tux. "I questioned Santa why he had a bisexual name. After all Santa Monica, Santa Barbara, Santa Rosa, Santa Maria and all the other Santa names are female, and Claus is male."

"I'm sure I can sort that out," I said with confidence. "I'll send him an old fashioned telegram. I'm sure he'll like that."

"Oh, great," Chief Hamzter said. "Let's start the festivities." He pointed at the Christmas tree in a corner of the bunker. "Light the tree."

Engineer Hamzter approached the tree, and said, "Observe." He lit a match and set the tree on fire.

Hand grenades decorating the tree began to explode.

Happy Christmas and a slam bang New Year from the Space Hamzters and Brag.

© 2003, Alex Braguine.