Osama Bin Ladin Loves United States

Our correspondent, Intrepid Hamzter, just returned from Pakistan's Northwest Frontier Province where he spent a month trout fishing. Here is his report.

One of the most beautiful areas on the planet Terra is the area where the Karakoram and Hindu Kush mountain ranges meet to create a spectacular jumble of peaks and valleys. The trout fishing is excellent, the air brisk, and the scenery-- um, galactic class.

Though the Monsoon season was in full swing and the rivers ran muddy; I did my fishing with my paws. The lakes were full of fat, lazy trout hanging around near the shore. Yum, fishing was good.

On the fourth day of fishing and gorging myself, I went up a mountain to a cluster of dwellings. The Pashtuns living here dig a space on the slope of the mountain, build a house and cover it with earth. The villages look like groupings of porches hanging over steep slopes.

As I arrived at the first porch in a village of twelve such structures, I saw Osama Bin Ladin drinking tea and enjoying the view of a glacier.

    "Salaam aleykum," Haji Bin Ladin," I said, handing Bin Ladin a basket with trout.

    "Aleikum salaam," Hamzter, would you like to buy some tapes?"

    I bought ten, which I would later re-sell to Al Ghazira and Al Arabia, Rumsfeldt, the White House and other propaganda sources.

    Finished with business I sat next to Bin Ladin and admired the view. "You like it here?"

    "Perfect place, food is good, natives friendly, no telemarketers. Every once in a while one sees noisy Americans touring the area in helicopters."

    "Rather nasty. Especially when you hate Americans."

    Osama looked indignant.

    I should have kept my mouth shut about Americans.

    "Hamzter, you understand nothing. I just loooove Americans. I admire them. They're wonderful."

    I expressed my astonishment with the standard Hamzter, "Huh?"

    "Americans are efficient and service oriented. That's very important for customer retention."

    I nodded.

    "As my business expanded into capturing the American market it was difficult to do business in the US. The country is somewhat removed from where the action is. Realizing my interest, they moved targets a lot closer and opened up new markets for me."

    I scratched some zs into my Hamzter shorthand pad. "Markets?"

    Before, that stupid Sadam would not cooperate, and wouldn't allow my colleagues to work in Iraq. Now the Americans have opened a great free enterprise zone there. It has also solved a lot of my personnel recruitment problems."

    Osama flashed me his charming smile. "I love problem solvers."